if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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