so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
