I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
