Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize