I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
