I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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