4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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