You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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