John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
