Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
