Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
