I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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