Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
