Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
