There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
