I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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