I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
