This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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