it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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