she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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