my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
