i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
