You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
