He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
