I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
