How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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