I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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