Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
