OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
