Having a random hookup so left but love u
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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