I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
