He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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