He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Alive.
So much puke
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well I just put wine in my tea
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
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