I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
