She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
