please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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