It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
