highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
