It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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