I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
