Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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