I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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