Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
