which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
