Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
