sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
