Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
