peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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