Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
