what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
