A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Maybe he injected his testicle?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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