I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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