I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
