Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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