First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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