Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
