he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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