while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
