there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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