there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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