Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
