i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
