In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
do nipples grow back?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
