It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
