woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
