He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
