Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
